(I wrote the following in 2016 while in the midst of Post-Partum Depression)
…I swirl in the depths of despair. Like I’m in a whirlpool. Constantly sucked under. And when I come up to gasp for air again, I get sucked under. Shoved. Pushed.
Can’t make decisions. Can’t be comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes the most frightening place to be is in our own skin. Can’t take care of my kids. Can’t answer texts…emails… Can’t choose what to eat unless it’s placed in front of me.
There’s an invisible wall between me and the world around me. How do they do it? How do they manage? Why are they ok and I’m not?
Simple tasks become colossal undertakings.
Get dressed. What should I wear??? Doesn’t matter, just put something on. Eat something. What??? SOMETHING. Put an orange in your mouth. Breathe. Nurse the baby, hold the baby, change the baby. Breathe. What now? Read. Sleep. SOMETHING. Get your mind away from this monster.
It tells me I’m no good. It tells me I’m not enough and I will never be enough. It tells me I dropped the ball on my kids, my husband, my community. It tells me everything is going to fall apart.
You can’t hate yourself into loving yourself.
Despair again. Worthlessness. Anxiety. Anger. Shame. Guilt. Doubt. Fear.
Depression whispers dark lies in a vulnerable mom’s ear.
And I believe those lies. Don’t believe them.
I can't make sense of what I believe. What is right and wrong.
It's a dark place to be. But it doesn't last. Light always follows darkness.
If we choose to ...
We learn from our darkness.
We become better people from our darkness.
We enjoy the light so much more after darkness.
We appreciate what we have, upon emerging from darkness.
I know this may not be everyone's experience with depression, or even with what caused you to plunge into darkness. We all experience hardship. It's part of being alive.
I'd love to hear your experience, because somehow, a shared experience makes the burden a little lighter to bear.
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